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Mom! An egg broke on the floor and the dogs won’t eat it!

This morning began like many mornings.

“Mommy, I’m hungry.” drawn out with emphatic emphasis by my 3 year old. So we get his choice of cereal, pour some milk, and get his favorite spoon (toddlers do these things). He then eats one bite and then tells me he’s not hungry. Off to play. It’s a battle to finish eaching many times a day.

My oldest got up ate his breakfast and went to play. I proceeded to remind him to get his bowl and spoon in the sink and put his clothes on. Which he did, in the opposite order. You’ll get no complaints from me about that.

Then time to exercise. Normally the boys watch their hour or less of shows while I exercise, but I convinced them today to play and wait until snack time to watch. They were doing well.

That is until I heard the fridge door open. I stopped my video and got up to monitor that. After ushering them back to their toys in the living room, I went back to exercising. Somewhere in there they moved to playing in the bedroom. Several minutes later I heard it:

“Mom! An egg broke on the floor and the dogs won’t eat it!”

I don’t know why the dogs have to be encouraged to eat raw egg off the floor. My previous dogs never had a problem. Our current two will walk away from them like they contain some sort of poison.

Ok, that’s not really the problem here, is it?

Where did they get the egg from? So I ask, “Where did the egg come from? When did you guys get the egg out?” I didn’t really get any answers. I mean, was I really expecting my 4 and 3 year old to give me a timeline when and why they got the egg out? Haha!

So at this point I’m dealing with the one broken egg on the floor. That’s when my 3 year old approaches me, “Oh, mommy, here are the babies. Aren’t they so cute?!” He’s carrying two more eggs in his hands. Now my mommy alert system is in full GO mode.

How many more eggs are there floating around the house?! I hurriedly thanked my son and moved the eggs to the fridge to put them away. That’s where I gather another bit of concerning information. There were no longer two egg cartons in the fridge.

THERE’S A WHOLE EGG CARTON LOOSE IN MY HOUSE WITH MY TODDLERS IN CHARGE!

I’m in a panic to find it now. So I look in the place my children just were, their bedroom. Thankfully, there is egg carton on the floor in their room and it’s empty. I quickly try to remember how many eggs were left. If my memory serves me correctly all eggs are accounted for. (I hope, or I’ll be finding a surprise egg later today, yikes!)

(Yesterday should have been a clue to what was coming. I found a whole carton of eggs in their backpack in the afternoon. I guess were going to need to lock up the eggs, haha!)

I finally convinced the dogs to eat most of the egg and cleaned up the rest. I finally finished my exercise and ate breakfast. But my 3 year old got a cookie down from the countertop before I could catch him and we had to play a game to get clothes on since he was grumpy this morning. Apparently, mom can’t got out with dad for the evening. The 3 year old doesn’t like it. He’ll have to deal with it.

These days have been a challenge. I wonder if I’ve packed them too much: playing piano for a choir, tutoring, bible study, story time, etc. And I find myself interrupted in the middle of almost everything I do to stop a child from climbing on the countertop, getting into the freezer or fridge, climbing onto the desk, fighting over a toy, a need of some kind, accidents (drinks, food or otherwise), keeping a child at the table to eat, etc. It makes it hard to hold a thought or finish things when I can’t hardly remember what I’m doing since I have to stop and take care of some sort of crisis.

I was talking to someone at our library about the struggle this season is. She paused and thought back to when her kids were the age mine are. That was a difficult time, she shared. I was so grateful for that affirmation. It’s ok that it’s hard. It’s normal. I’m going through what lots of other moms go through. I’m going to survive.

If there’s anything true about kids it’s that they change. Often faster than we want them too, but sometimes in ways that surprise us, take the pressure off and usher us into a new season with them. My 4 year old is already starting to get to that place. He is more aware of what things will be trouble for him. He choses things that are allowed rather than testing boundaries as much. My 3 year old, well, I’ll get back with you.

I remind myself, I am not unlike my children when I come to God. Sometimes I’m not sure where my boundaries are and I don’t know how to manage myself in this season. I need God, His Holy Spirit in me, to guide and manage me. I find His peace and calm coming out in my words when I don’t feel that calm and peace inside myself. When I yield to Him, peace comes that passes all understanding. I yield to it and it teaches my heart to respond and own that peace and calm. And peace reteaches my mind to turn from anxiety to my Lord.

I’m so grateful for the gentleness of our Lord when He teaches us. I hope you can find this during the wonderful season of Christmas. Let the Lord be your gentle teacher one small moment at a time. So when the eggs break and the dogs won’t eat it right in the middle of your cardio, it’s just a little blip in the day and not the thing that sets the tone for the day.

Lot’s of love in this Christmas season! Be blessed, friend!

LWF

The past

Have you ever thought back to a moment, maybe recently, maybe a long time ago, and grimaced at yourself. Maybe it was the attitude you had. Perhaps your words were harsh or cruel or manipulative. Maybe it was everything about the situation: bad reaction, your face was loud and obnoxious. Perhaps it just highlights the flaws that you feel are glaring and hideous. Maybe it was the disappointment you caused someone.

I had one of those recently. I was driving home from dropping both boys off at preschool. So I had a few moments of quiet just driving. I like to listen to the radio. I also like the quiet too. My mind was wandering and reflected back on a memory of myself from years ago. To be honest I couldn’t even tell you what that memory was of. But I involuntarily grimaced at the girl of back then, ashamed of her.

I started to say things to myself like: I wish I wouldn’t have . . . or why did I do that!? I felt the shame dump on me. Then I did something I hadn’t done before. I asked God about it. I wondered at the girl from the past and what He could do about it. He said one thing that changed my heart toward her.

I died for her too.

It was simples and just a whisper. I have to admit, I’d forgotten my salvation was for more than today and tomorrow. It’s was for all my yesterdays. It was for her, the girl from the past. The one He’d loved and saved the whole time. The one His grace was already abundant for, especially in her weakness. The sun and weakness He already knew about, paid for and abundantly covered.

I was not excused from making those moments right with anyone I had hurt by my attitude, words or behavior. But I was also free to have a clean conscience because my sun and weaknesses had already been paid for and redeemed.

That’s how big a God we serve!

That’s how big the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross!

That’s how complete the redemption covenant of God is!

Sharing makes your heart strong

I’ve always had an inclination to speak to people. My first speech in 7th grade English class was 30 minutes long, only halted by the ringing of the bell signaling the end of class. It was about Mount St. Helens. I wasn’t sure I’d reached the 7 minute time limit and so I just kept going sharing slides and stories I’d learned. My teacher didn’t stop me and so I shared and shared and shared. I must admit I was a little embarrassed to have spoken for so long and not realized it.

My second experience was 8th grade English. I won an award for best orator. I had no idea what an orator was. I wasn’t even really interested in the award. I had just picked a person whose story I fell in love and couldn’t wait to tell others the story. This one was not 30 minutes long. It was a carefully written, memorized and crafted story on Christopher Latham Sholes, the inventor of the typewriter. He transformed secretarial work across the country and impacted the way we write and share that writing with others for decades to come.

As you can see, those first two speeches made an impression on me. It lead to 4 years of high school forensics and two years of college forensics plus time volunteering at local speech competitions when I became a teacher. Speaking of which, teaching was a natural extension of that love of speaking. Though it is much harder to engage an audience that wasn’t sure they were even interested in what you have to say.

Words have always been easy. It has been learning the importance of the absence of words that has been the challenge. Especially as a parent I have to learn when to speak and when to say the bare minimum and when to say nothing at all. And when I do speak to speak with grace and love and firmness. It has required me be submissive to the Holy Spirit when I speak. It has taken practice to listen every moment to the Spirit inside me. Now before you get any idea about me having some super spirituality, please know that I struggle on a daily basis, multiple times a day to continue this practice. Some days I am very submitted. Other days, I’m, well, less submitted. As James says, the tongue is like a rudder. Some days I get very off course.

It’s a good thing God is so much bigger than my broken flesh. There are many times when something comes out of my mouth that is definitely not of my own wisdom or knowledge. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit comes out of my mouth. That is just what happened the other day.

My boys are learning to share. That 17 month difference means they have lots and lots of opportunities to learn it. Just the other month the youngest had a birthday and received some toys that older boy also fell in love with. It has been an interesting couple months teaching him about ownership and sharing. And it has been an interesting couple of months teaching the youngest about sharing and ownership.

It was in one of those moments that I was teaching the youngest about sharing that out popped a poignant truth about life. A truth I’m still mulling over myself.

“Buddy, sharing strengthens our hearts for kindness.”

Wow! I can tell you that was not out of my wisdom. But yeah, it does, doesn’t it!? Sharing keeps us focused on the right thing. It’s not about the toy or thing. It’s about what we can enjoy with those around us. It reminds us that people and relationships are more important than things or stuff. It is the basis for generosity and compassion. It really focuses the love in our hearts to the right target, people. It trains us in the image and likeness of God.

It’s a truth I may post somewhere in our home. And one that I am still in awe of. Even writing this post has me thinking of it’s simplicity and depth. Thank you Father for this moment meant to teach both momma and child!

Be blessed, my friends!

LWF

It’s Snowing!

My boys are thrilled this morning! It is snowing for the first time this fall. And it came down beautifully. There are big puffy white flakes tumbling from the sky in record numbers. They couldn’t hardly wait to get dressed and get outside. It was a little bit of a struggle to get them out. They had mixed up their snow pants and we had to do a complete undress and redress. When you have toddlers, that takes forever. The first thing they found wonderful about the snow, much to my dismay, was that it tastes great! In fact, I think that’s what they think snow is for, eating (yikes!). Now they have discovered the snow is good for making and throwing snowballs. Their peals of laughter are sweet to hear.

While they play, I decided to read my chapter from the New Testament for the day. It’s something I started earlier this summer. I’ve read through the bible a couple of times, done the Psalm and Proverb a day and some other more specific book read/memorize activities. I thought it would be good to refresh my understanding of the epistles by reading them one chapter at a time. It has been enlightening. I’ve done inductive bible studies on several individual epistles, but there has been something fresh about simply reading them chapter after chapter. It’s a more reflective, big picture perspective on books that are often picked apart and loved a verse at a time.

I also decided to read in a different version than I’ve read before. This time I’m reading the New Living Translation (NLT). It keeps my eyes and heart fresh too. I’m typically a NIV girl, but I use different versions all the time to study what a passage is actually saying. Most recently I’ve been reading the English Standard Version (ESV) for the bible study I’ve been attending. That has added some fresh eyes to reading some of these familiar passages.

Today I was reading in Ephesians. Paul is so encouraging to them, letting them know he is at work with them spiritually even when physically he is far away. In the past several epistles he is always working to communicate the free salvation they have in Christ and how the expression of that should line up with the holiness of God. That expression should not come from themselves but from the work of the Holy Spirit in them. They have access to this great power that raised Jesus from the dead and the great love of God to keep and make them holy one day at a time.

There has been some literature put out about how love is the true healing force in this world. It should be no surprise to us since God is love and His love is promoted as the healing that brings us into His holiness. First John says that perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. We are no longer under punishment when we are in Christ. His sacrifice on the cross took care of our punishment both now and for the past and for forever. Now we simply live in love. And love makes us secure.

When I came to this particular passage I found myself captivated by it. It’s not new to me, but it is both refreshing and filled with fresh understanding in my heart.

“I pray that from His glorious unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.”

Ephesians 3:16 – 17 NLT

From His glorious unlimited resources (God does not have supply restrictions or limitations)
He will empower (His desire is to have us empowered and strong)
With inner strength through His Spirit (Our strength is not seen, it is unseen inside of us. And it is from His Spirit, not from us. We are not a strength in and of ourselves. It is a strength that comes from a deep place of surrender to Jesus Christ)
Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him (This is the place of deep surrender. We must remember God is God over our circumstances not the God who brought our circumstances. Things look bleak around us, relationships we have are struggling, bad thing happen. And God is still God and God is still good and holy. He will work things out for good. That love that He has committed will keep us secure in Him. Christ will live in us and strengthen us as we trust Him to do so.)
And then:

“Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong “

So this is the part that gives me goosebumps. We are strong when we are deeply and assuredly wrapped up in God’s love. If you talk to any therapist they will tell you the type of relationship you are in will determine if you feel secure or not. And it all comes down to how loved you feel. (Though, love is far greater than emotion; that is a topic to delve into another time.) A person who grew up with insecure relationships/love is someone who both expects to and feel more comfortable if the love from their relationships isn’t too committed. They will tend to push away healthy relationships because of their insecurity with the promise of security. However, when a person in insecure relationships finds healing the security found makes their heart so complete that it mends many of the wounds from all those insecure relationships. This is simply by finding security in someone’s unconditional love reiterated over and over and over through all circumstances and situations. Humans while they can become very good at unconditional love can never reach the limitless love of God and its no exceptions, unconditional nature. The healing from God’s love is beyond what we can hope or imagine. It is life giving and healing beyond our understanding.

I am willing to admit this has been my biggest struggle in this last season my family has been through. It’s not that I don’t see God as a God of love or that He loves me. I just didn’t understand how committed, intentional and unconditional it was. I was insecure in the investment God was willing to make in my life with His love. Life has been very difficult in many ways: two toddlers complete with chaos and lack of sleep, chronic pain for my husband, depression and anxiety in our home, etc. It was hard to see how God was invested in these things. The old, everything works together for good verse was not bringing the hope I needed.

It’s not that this verse isn’t powerful and amazing in its own right. It’s that the revelation I needed was found elsewhere. It was actually found in the song of a young Nazarene girl who was in one of the most precarious situations of her life, unmarried, pregnant and carrying the Son of God. She sings, “O magnify the Lord!” And God provided for her. Joseph’s continued engagement to her protected her.

I found it was when I started magnifying God and all that He is and not the struggles I faced every day that I could root into the love of God and be strengthened by it. I didn’t have to know the future or be prepared for every thing that could happen. I just had to be secure in the perfect and unconditional love of God by exalting all that He is. Because no matter what I saw around me, that would never change and it would keep me secure and strong for the seasons that would be coming, whatever they were. I can tell you that journey to rooting into God’s love is still very much in process. Some days I feel the angst of wondering what will come and being overwhelmed by it. However, now I am more willing to be reminded of the love that sustains me and strengthens me for the days and moments that feel too much. My security continues to grow and root into the love of God.

So those were my thoughts as I pondered this sweet verse about being rooted in Christ’s love. What blessing to meditate on this while I watch the leftover fall leaves and snow fall from my window. Oh, and my kids think it’s Christmas time now that there is snow. My oldest son has brought in his masterpiece, a snowball, well packed and carefully formed. He’s been instructed to store it in the freezer. Thankfully he wants to secure it in a Ziploc baggie. Maybe I’ll get it out when it’s actually Christmas, lol!

Blessings! Let your roots grow down into God’s love! It will keep you strong!

LWF

There is nothing new under the sun

It has been happening again. Church, off and on again, most of the time without him. It breaks my heart. This morning I felt so defeated, discouraged and grieved. I understand the purpose of assembling believers together. This morning that answer was not in any way encouraging or life giving to me. I did not want to go again without my husband into a church where I already felt disconnected.

We love our church, but have struggled in recent year because our church has grown in the last five years from several hundred to a couple thousand. We have five services and three campuses. Many of the friends we had have gone to other services or other campuses. It is hard to face a packed service and kids ministry by myself, all the while aching for my spouse, my partner and other parent to be with me to help with the chaos that comes with having two toddlers.

I resolved to make it this morning, however. The while way there I spent talking to God telling Him I don’t know why I decided to go. Asking, mostly rhetorically, what the point was. The community of believers that we have aren’t at this church. I’ll probably cry all the way through worship which I’m tired of and doesn’t solve anything. It just makes me a blubbering mess. My pain would not be abated.

I didn’t expect God to respond as He did. Haha! Why would I!? Oh my, that makes me laugh looking back. Why would I ever expect Gods response? Anyway, I digress.

He spoke quietly in my heart, “You know, I understand what it is like to feel indifference and wavering from my bride.”

The Lord always knows how to stop my pity party. Thank you, Jesus!

Memory of many Old Testament stories and parables begin to roll through my mind. Hosea kept taking back a cheating wife to be a living parable for Israel of their relationship with God. The whole book of Judges is story after story of Israel walking away from God, getting themselves into captivity, war, etc because of their idol worship and crying out to God for deliverance.

And my husband isn’t even on that scale. He doesn’t desire this to be our lives. He doesn’t enjoy being home on the couch with a sore back and exhausted mind and soul. He has consistently pursued help with therapy and medication. We just don’t have to right combination yet.

Often when I’m in a pity party it is evidence I feel alone and abandoned. God made it clear, I am not alone. He is not so other that Israel and our neglect investing in our relationship with Him doesn’t hurt Him. We were created in His image. Our ability to be hurt and feel pain comes from His design. He is God and still aches deeply and is hurt by us and His bride.

I wish all this revelation from today would mean I will never have another pity party or get so wrapped up in my own hurt, disappointment or discouragement I won’t be able to see the provision and comfort God already has for me. However, it is a step in healing that broken place. It was the beginning of a change in my conversation with God . It brought humility. Instead of asking why. I asked that I would be able to worship in truth and not in my sorrow. My pain didn’t need any more outlet. It was just spilling all over on my kids and husband. Instead it needed the truth of who God is and what He is about. Worship needed to proclaim the faithfulness of God not the attention seeking of my pain.

Waiting to exhale

How was my day? So glad you asked. I subbed today. Had a math teachers classroom. The kids were great. They are in the throws of another school year upended by COVID quarantines. They still did great.

Today was a little respite in an otherwise busy week. Between doctor appointments, the washing machine out and doing laundry at my blessed in-laws (I won the lottery folks!), and toddler drama it has been an interesting week.

I didn’t realize how tiring the trip to the zoo, the couple visits with family and the traveling around was getting to me. Yesterday I feel asleep for two hours in the living room with the boys while they watched tv. That one hour or less of screen time didn’t matter because I was snoozing away while they enjoyed episode after episode of Octonaunts.

So today was a little time away from home just me, my crocheting and some math students. It was a good day. I came home to two boys who were excited to have mom back, though Grandma is a pretty close second or third depending on the day and how high up the list Daddy is, lol. We had supper. Their dad worked a little later, but he made up for it by playing a game with the living room ceiling fan, hallows, rubber bands and some string. I couldn’t watch. It made me nervous. So I went to another room to veg out on some stupid internet stories.

Little did I know what was going to transpire. Down the hall come my boys and their dad. Something is different. It’s off. The boys are as I expect, but their dad is different. He moves the boys to the bedroom only to leave them to me without a word. Fine, he had to go to the bathroom. But now I’m nervous.

When he returns to help get the boys ready in pajamas he is fine with the boys, but he seems to be deliberately avoiding me, eye contact, addressing me. Then he lays down on the floor his back to me, announcing with every nonverbal signal he has, he wants nothing to do with me.

Welcome depression. Please go away.

I called him out on it. I was met with silence and a blank gaze. I told him he was not allowed to treat me like that. He would need to make a decision. We finished with the boys and he went directly to bed. What happened? I have no idea. He will not speak to me.

So instead of stewing or checking on him multiple times, I called the people I know maybe able to find out what is going on. I called his parents. He talking to his dad. What will happen? I don’t know. I pray it is the start of something different for him and maybe even for us.

Have no other before Me

Today was a good day. Something happened this evening and I’ve been struggling ever since to regain some control over the anxiety and frustration.

I thought it started with my boys interrupting supper prep every 30 seconds or so to climb a countertop, come up to the hot stove, try to take supper out of the hot pan, etc. If you’re a mom or dad of toddlers I’m sure you can fill in your own examples. I steadily became more and more snippy with them. I was firmly raising my voice at them by the time supper was on the table. I don’t think it started with that now.

It was my eyes on the clock to see what time it was, when my husband would be home. Everyday is a little different. Sometimes I know and some times I don’t. Sometimes I know, but he comes later. It had reached the 5:30 pm mark. He was supposed to be home. But I didn’t hear anything. I tried to get the boys to check, but that’s hit and miss. Cue, anxiety. I’ve been with my kids since before we woke up. And I wanted relief. In our season of life, his arrival doesn’t necessarily mean relief because I have a co-parent, but it does mean the boys have a diversion. Something else other that the kitchen can occupy their attention.

We had supper; it was a little tense. By the end I was feeling much better. I had harvested our rhubarb for the first time and had a lot to work on. The boys were happy to play outside. But I didn’t get it all cut up before a frightened child showed up at the door afraid of dad’s weed eater. Then, shortly after, a mess of pee followed by that same child accidentally flipping a zip tie, from one of those safely locks for cupboards, into his eye. It was now bedtime. I was still feeling okay, much less anxious.

Rhubarb peaking out. It started growing so early they caught the frost, yikes!

The bomb going off in my head happens soon. My husband needed to weed eat the rest of the lawn before dark so instead of his normal put the boys to bed, he asked me to do it. It started out well. They seemed to have calmed down. They had their little lullaby maker going. They were quiet. So I left and attempted to finish the huge pile of rhubarb. And, frankly, that was my mistake, the expectation that my job was now to process the rhubarb. As always, the mom job doesn’t stop.

Over the next hour, I placed one of my children back in bed numerous times, took toys away, stuffed animals, shows they normally would watch tomorrow. My frustration level was super high. I was getting angry. Every time, specifically my youngest, would come out of his bedroom it would escalate. It got to the point where I was yelling at my kids to “Go to bed!” while my oldest sobbed about his brother’s lamb being taken. It was evident I needed reinforcements and time to calm down myself. So, I told my husband he had to come in or I was “going to lose it!”

I took myself to our garage and sat in the van. Jesus and I had a heart to heart. It was pretty simple. I screwed up and hurt my kids because I wouldn’t rethink my expectations. Talk about feeling like a world class jerk of a parent. There was repentant crying. Then I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting me. It was time to make it right. I needed to go apologize to my kids, mend what I had done wrong.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
James 1:19-20

They were still awake. My husband was laying on the floor with soothing music playing. I gave them each a hug and a kiss and told them how very sorry I was that Mommy got so angry with them. I explained it wasn’t right and I needed to find another way. We’ve been talking about it, but my oldest piped up, “Yeah, Mom, that was sin” in his knowing way. “Yeah, buddy, you’re right. And you know what, Jesus died for that sin and His blood washes it away. But I need Him to teach me a new way so I don’t do that sin anymore.”

Wow! What God can work out of our sin! We do not deserve all He gives us. What a blessing to show my son the work of God in action in my life.

Then came another revelation. That sounds nice doesn’t it. Really, it was a good dose of humility. As I went out to finish my rhubarb (yes, I was still working on it), I began to think about how awful I was to my kids. It was a sorry self focused act. What a horrible thing I had done! And there was the Holy Spirit prompting again.

What will you worship? Your sin? Or the great and wonderful God who saved you from that sin?

Repentance had already happened. I was reflective about my sin. I offered it to the Lord and recognized His forgiveness. I asked for forgiveness from my kids whom I had hurt and they had joyfully and willingly forgiven me. I knew I needed to be more aware of myself and attentive to the still small voice of the Lord in my heart. There was no more groveling or debasement necessary. Instead, what was necessary is a grateful heart full of joy at my Savoir whose salvation is so complete I can count on His sanctification in my heart and mind so I don’t have to be a slave to that sin any longer. That will take time to walk out, but with the Word of God and prayer and the accountability of faithful sisters in Christ there will be freedom from this.

I hope you can take heart and be encouraged. We do not take this journey alone. Nor do we take the journey without His abundant and bountiful provision. Be blessed, my friend!

Guarantor

This was the word that flashed in my mind tonight at Bible study. We’re in a Jen Wilkins study on Hebrews. It’s called Better. I have been blown away by this study. It could not have come at a more timely place in this season. I could say lots more, but I digress.

In our study of chapters 7 and 8 the image of Christ as a guarantor of our salvation came up. A guarantor is someone who will make sure a debt is covered. It can be a co-signer or the borrower. But neither of those things resonated with me quit like my experience with hospital bills. Yes, hospital bills.

It’s not that we’ve really had a lot of hospital bills. It’s actually because I have children. When my first son was born obviously my husband and I were listed as the guarantors on his account. However, things got a little mixed up after I had my second. We got a bill with my son’s first name, my middle name and our last name. So I called and thought I had it corrected. Now we get bills for my first name, my son’s middle name and our last name. I haven’t even tried to correct it.

However, it got me to reflecting on this title of guarantor. I am a guarantor for my sons bills. And, since they aren’t even school age, the idea of making them financially responsible for their bills is laughable. But I makes me think that that’s exactly how it must be with our salvation.

You see, Jesus is named as the guarantor of our salvation. Just like my husband and I are guarantors of our sons medical expenses. Except sometimes we think we have something to offer for our debt of sin.

What would happen if either of my sons had the wherewithal to offer me money for their dr visit? There would probably be a chuckle and then a gentle refusal of the offer. In all likelihood he would offer me a handful of coins for the much more expensive copay.

In terms of salvation, we so often try to offer our own coins. But in comparison our attempt to participate in our own salvation is so meager, so minute it is shameful in comparison with the incomparable provision already made by believing in Christ Jesus and the work He already did on the cross.

Friend, is it time for you to give up your good work? Is it time to rest in the goodness and salvation of your Lord and Savior? Is it time to let Him lead the way and walk you into holiness love and joy and peace and patience and gentleness and self control and . . .

I pray you will find it.

I’m Exhausted Today

Why am I exhausted today? It wasn’t as if I hadn’t planned. I had a list written up. I was prepared to adapt, to adjust, to roll with the punches. Yet somehow I have found myself at the end of my rope right as my husband came home from work.

He came in jovially, joking with me. Instead of joining him I snapped back at him. I was annoyed that he would try to joke with me at a time like this. But I keep coming back to the question, at a time like what? Why with all of my planning, the assistance of my in-laws, and my care to work ahead was I overwhelmed this evening? I think the answer comes with how the days events are affect who I think I am.

My conclusion was that I was going to fail. Fail at what? Good question. Fail at life. Fail at being a mom. Fail at being a wife. Fail at being a host for a baby shower. Fail being ready for a trip coming up in just a couple of days.

And what is my evidence you might ask. Well, it’s that I didn’t cross enough off of my list. It’s that the practice I’d been doing for the dessert I am making for the baby shower had to be revamped about three times before it came out well. I put my list on hold so I could snuggle with my three-year-old who is having meltdowns every single time I say no and couldn’t calm himself down. I couldn’t get the supper I had planned on the table in time. My kids feel like they’re smothering me.

The funny thing is now as I sit here listening to my kids play outside I think the day actually went pretty well. My kids are content. Things didn’t get done today. I have more time tomorrow. And there are definitely things on my list that can get moved to tomorrow or even next week. My sink is piled high with dishes, again. But the dishwasher is almost ready for another load. There’s a supper I had planned to make partially done on the countertop. But it saves for tomorrow and I found supper contingency plan in the fridge pretty much ready to go. My dessert test, while taking longer than I’d like, was successful. And it will save me time next week.

I’m tired because it was a day I didn’t get quite as much done as I wanted. There was lots of problem-solving. And simply the normal everyday challenges of having two toddlers at home.

I guess sometimes all we need is a little perspective and some time to sit back and just be.

And now it’s time to get to those dishes.

A letter to my husband on Father’s Day

My dear,

Happy Father’s Day! Enjoy your new bottle of hot sauce to try. Enjoy the card I had the boys color on. I hope you feel loved and respected.

I want you to know that I see you. I see all you do.

I see the commitment to work and provide for us. While the mornings may be hard and make your expected time coming home from work variable, you put in the time necessary to bring home more than enough for us to live off of. You make us generous because of how you provide.

I see the love you have for us and our boys. The day our first was born it was you who watched over him, bathed him and held him first. When I couldn’t be there, when he was across the room from my hospital bed it might as well been 100 miles away. But you, you could be there. And you were. The day our second was born, I was again in a hospital bed. This time strapped down so our second could come out surgically. Again, I couldn’t be there for him, but you were. You trimmed his umbilical cord. You held him first. You, once again, brought him to me.

It was you who cuddled and adored them. It was I who had to beg you to give them up while we learned to nurse. You were the one who wanted to be there as they grew for their owies and booboos. You tend to their hurts with tenderness. When things were scary, when they were upset, you don’t hesitate to step in and remind them that you’ve got them. You, whose strong arms would scoop them up, would hold them and let them know they were safe.

I see the effort it takes when they come to wake you up in the morning. You rally all the energy you have to let them know they are welcome to come in. I see the teacher you are. The commitment you have to taking time to include them, even the littlest, in all that you can. They feel so big because you include them.

I hear all the ways you speak to them to teach them, to guide them and help them know the way. I know all the time you desire to do more, be more and show them more.

The time will come. We are on this journey. The depression will not always be preeminent in our home. It will have to step down, fade away, disappear.

When that time comes. I know what kind of father you will be. The same one I see every day.