Today was a good day. Something happened this evening and I’ve been struggling ever since to regain some control over the anxiety and frustration.
I thought it started with my boys interrupting supper prep every 30 seconds or so to climb a countertop, come up to the hot stove, try to take supper out of the hot pan, etc. If you’re a mom or dad of toddlers I’m sure you can fill in your own examples. I steadily became more and more snippy with them. I was firmly raising my voice at them by the time supper was on the table. I don’t think it started with that now.
It was my eyes on the clock to see what time it was, when my husband would be home. Everyday is a little different. Sometimes I know and some times I don’t. Sometimes I know, but he comes later. It had reached the 5:30 pm mark. He was supposed to be home. But I didn’t hear anything. I tried to get the boys to check, but that’s hit and miss. Cue, anxiety. I’ve been with my kids since before we woke up. And I wanted relief. In our season of life, his arrival doesn’t necessarily mean relief because I have a co-parent, but it does mean the boys have a diversion. Something else other that the kitchen can occupy their attention.
We had supper; it was a little tense. By the end I was feeling much better. I had harvested our rhubarb for the first time and had a lot to work on. The boys were happy to play outside. But I didn’t get it all cut up before a frightened child showed up at the door afraid of dad’s weed eater. Then, shortly after, a mess of pee followed by that same child accidentally flipping a zip tie, from one of those safely locks for cupboards, into his eye. It was now bedtime. I was still feeling okay, much less anxious.
The bomb going off in my head happens soon. My husband needed to weed eat the rest of the lawn before dark so instead of his normal put the boys to bed, he asked me to do it. It started out well. They seemed to have calmed down. They had their little lullaby maker going. They were quiet. So I left and attempted to finish the huge pile of rhubarb. And, frankly, that was my mistake, the expectation that my job was now to process the rhubarb. As always, the mom job doesn’t stop.
Over the next hour, I placed one of my children back in bed numerous times, took toys away, stuffed animals, shows they normally would watch tomorrow. My frustration level was super high. I was getting angry. Every time, specifically my youngest, would come out of his bedroom it would escalate. It got to the point where I was yelling at my kids to “Go to bed!” while my oldest sobbed about his brother’s lamb being taken. It was evident I needed reinforcements and time to calm down myself. So, I told my husband he had to come in or I was “going to lose it!”
I took myself to our garage and sat in the van. Jesus and I had a heart to heart. It was pretty simple. I screwed up and hurt my kids because I wouldn’t rethink my expectations. Talk about feeling like a world class jerk of a parent. There was repentant crying. Then I knew the Holy Spirit was prompting me. It was time to make it right. I needed to go apologize to my kids, mend what I had done wrong.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
James 1:19-20
They were still awake. My husband was laying on the floor with soothing music playing. I gave them each a hug and a kiss and told them how very sorry I was that Mommy got so angry with them. I explained it wasn’t right and I needed to find another way. We’ve been talking about it, but my oldest piped up, “Yeah, Mom, that was sin” in his knowing way. “Yeah, buddy, you’re right. And you know what, Jesus died for that sin and His blood washes it away. But I need Him to teach me a new way so I don’t do that sin anymore.”
Wow! What God can work out of our sin! We do not deserve all He gives us. What a blessing to show my son the work of God in action in my life.
Then came another revelation. That sounds nice doesn’t it. Really, it was a good dose of humility. As I went out to finish my rhubarb (yes, I was still working on it), I began to think about how awful I was to my kids. It was a sorry self focused act. What a horrible thing I had done! And there was the Holy Spirit prompting again.
What will you worship? Your sin? Or the great and wonderful God who saved you from that sin?
Repentance had already happened. I was reflective about my sin. I offered it to the Lord and recognized His forgiveness. I asked for forgiveness from my kids whom I had hurt and they had joyfully and willingly forgiven me. I knew I needed to be more aware of myself and attentive to the still small voice of the Lord in my heart. There was no more groveling or debasement necessary. Instead, what was necessary is a grateful heart full of joy at my Savoir whose salvation is so complete I can count on His sanctification in my heart and mind so I don’t have to be a slave to that sin any longer. That will take time to walk out, but with the Word of God and prayer and the accountability of faithful sisters in Christ there will be freedom from this.
I hope you can take heart and be encouraged. We do not take this journey alone. Nor do we take the journey without His abundant and bountiful provision. Be blessed, my friend!
Lady Worship Fingers 