It has been happening again. Church, off and on again, most of the time without him. It breaks my heart. This morning I felt so defeated, discouraged and grieved. I understand the purpose of assembling believers together. This morning that answer was not in any way encouraging or life giving to me. I did not want to go again without my husband into a church where I already felt disconnected.
We love our church, but have struggled in recent year because our church has grown in the last five years from several hundred to a couple thousand. We have five services and three campuses. Many of the friends we had have gone to other services or other campuses. It is hard to face a packed service and kids ministry by myself, all the while aching for my spouse, my partner and other parent to be with me to help with the chaos that comes with having two toddlers.
I resolved to make it this morning, however. The while way there I spent talking to God telling Him I don’t know why I decided to go. Asking, mostly rhetorically, what the point was. The community of believers that we have aren’t at this church. I’ll probably cry all the way through worship which I’m tired of and doesn’t solve anything. It just makes me a blubbering mess. My pain would not be abated.
I didn’t expect God to respond as He did. Haha! Why would I!? Oh my, that makes me laugh looking back. Why would I ever expect Gods response? Anyway, I digress.
He spoke quietly in my heart, “You know, I understand what it is like to feel indifference and wavering from my bride.”
The Lord always knows how to stop my pity party. Thank you, Jesus!
Memory of many Old Testament stories and parables begin to roll through my mind. Hosea kept taking back a cheating wife to be a living parable for Israel of their relationship with God. The whole book of Judges is story after story of Israel walking away from God, getting themselves into captivity, war, etc because of their idol worship and crying out to God for deliverance.
And my husband isn’t even on that scale. He doesn’t desire this to be our lives. He doesn’t enjoy being home on the couch with a sore back and exhausted mind and soul. He has consistently pursued help with therapy and medication. We just don’t have to right combination yet.
Often when I’m in a pity party it is evidence I feel alone and abandoned. God made it clear, I am not alone. He is not so other that Israel and our neglect investing in our relationship with Him doesn’t hurt Him. We were created in His image. Our ability to be hurt and feel pain comes from His design. He is God and still aches deeply and is hurt by us and His bride.
I wish all this revelation from today would mean I will never have another pity party or get so wrapped up in my own hurt, disappointment or discouragement I won’t be able to see the provision and comfort God already has for me. However, it is a step in healing that broken place. It was the beginning of a change in my conversation with God . It brought humility. Instead of asking why. I asked that I would be able to worship in truth and not in my sorrow. My pain didn’t need any more outlet. It was just spilling all over on my kids and husband. Instead it needed the truth of who God is and what He is about. Worship needed to proclaim the faithfulness of God not the attention seeking of my pain.
Lady Worship Fingers 