Have you ever seen someone or something and were able to see into some deeper part of them because of a moment? Something they said or did or some gesture to a friend or stranger allows you to discover another part of this person. Maybe you love this person, hate this person or have no affection one way or the other. I got to have one of those moments tonight. It was beautiful and heart wrenching. It was reassuring and devastating. It was a moment I got my husband back.
Today was a rough day in our household. We’ve dealt with sickness in our household off and on since the beginning of February. My youngest is teething, at least I hope so. There had better be a good reason we have to sleep on the recliner together while he tosses and turns. I am feeling the effects of weeks, rather, a year and a half of broken up sleep and my body is worn down. In short, today my tank was running close to empty.
I requested my husband come straight home from work rather than stop by the grocery for the bananas and garlic. He graciously obliged. He came home and got out a toddler bike he needed to put together. He was cheerful, energetic and interactive with me and our boys. This is the man I married. However, after three years of moderate to severe depression, this man has not been a regular presence in our family. I delight in the moments we have like this. I was thoroughly enjoying having him back today and looking forward to a little break this evening.
However, during my break tonight my husband disappeared behind the fog of isolation, sleep and inaction. I needed a rest tonight from our wonderful, but very active toddlers. After resting I realized it was an hour past the kids bedtime and I had heard no signs of bedtime routine. By the time I got up, my energetic, cheerful husband had gone. He was taking care of the kids, keeping them safe, and exerting as much energy as he could muster holding one and putting him to sleep, in his clothes, without a night diaper while the other played.
I was so disappointed. Disappointed that my husband could not find the strength and energy to partner with me tonight when I could have really used it. We got to experience a little normal and it had been cruelly torn away from us. That disappointment quickly dissolved into anger. I lashed out. I had attitude. All the while my husband was doing the best he could under the circumstances.
I understand these feelings are very normal. They are expected in a situation like this. But frankly, I don’t like them. I don’t want to have to deal with them at all. It is a roller coaster, crying over the counter top where my husband and boys can’t see after having this moment of joy, grieving the man I feel I lost again tonight. The future can feel so heavy. Hope can feel like it is only a pin prick far in the distance that maybe you’re really just imagining.
This is the life we have right now. Some might say I shouldn’t have to deal with this at all. I’ll tell you, friend, the alternative is much worse. I chose to stand by my wedding vows, by the grace and power of the Holy Spirit.
Tonight’s glimpse of normal was because we are pursuing treatment. Historically, my husbands depression is there or almost there. We don’t really get a lot of moments like we did tonight. But we have gotten more the last week. The treatment is helping. We will continue to pursue it. We will get more moments like tonight that will turn in to a string of moments, that will turn into days and weeks of normal. That is the future I’m looking for. I pray it will come soon!
Blessings, Friend!
Lady Worship Fingers 